Small Victories

One of the things that precipitated my move away from a more traditional lifestyle was a bout of deeply disconcerting juju that happened in my professional life. Suffice to say, for several months I had what might be defined as a mental break of sorts. In addition to not leaving my home without hat pulled low and giant sunglasses encasing my face, the evidence of my low ebb was obvious in the pages and pages of financial calculations I was making to see if I could leave my job. What I found was startling – I was basically working so I could work. What nonsense was this? The trade-off of waiting for a full pension was not in the best interest of mental or spiritual health, so after a brief attempt to work elsewhere, I took the leap.

This was not a small victory, but it has cobbled the way for me to take other, smaller leaps that have addressed long (and short) term fears. Indeed, pushing myself and my own perceived boundaries is for sure a benchmark of this adventure of mine. Below are a few of the obstacles I am working to overcome as I travel on down this path.

The Rustling The second night I spent at The Sovereign Nation of Grateful Hammock campground remains memorable to all parties involved.

Upon arrival at the campground, and after carefully considering my options, I had settled on the campsite Wonderland. Wonderland sits close to the edge of the established campsites and beyond it stretches the tangled and dense jungle that is Ocala National Forest. I was cautioned to be very aware of food smells and to not leave food out – practices that every camper should employ anyway. Although this campground does not have bear visitors, it requires vigilance to keep it that way. Not incidentally, along Route 40, which crosses the state of Florida, a bear crossing sign “next 33 miles” greets you as you enter the forest. Bear? Bear!

My second night, I headed down to the communal fire. Upon returning to my site, I could hear a shuffling in the darkness just beyond my car – back and forth, back and forth. It was loud and persistent. My instinct was to make some loud noises – like “hey!” and “ooooooooo”. Still the shuffling! Back and forth. Back and forth. What creature could ignore my loud and scary sounds? A bear? A human male? I made louder sounds, and louder sounds still, until finally my cries carried a panic through the woods and back to Donna and Dan, who came rushing the length of the campground to see if I was all right. By this time, though, I had made a run for it and was in my car talking to them through my homemade window screens.

Definitely not a bear. Or a man. Probable culprit? Armadillos.

I didn’t let this initial experience deter me and I continued to trek each night through the darkness to my campsite, braving the wild and ferocious…uh…armadillos. Each night I could feel my fear loosen. I no longer made a running jump for the back door. And now it has been more than two weeks since I have moved my campsite to the very last one, Sugar Magnolia, a bit deeper into the forest, further sequestered from other campers by the splendorous and dense stands of camphor, live oak, pine, and yes, magnolias. The fear lingers a bit from time to time, but it always dissolves, and the quiet and steadying experience of facing it has nudged me to face other, more twisty and unattractive fears in my day to day life.

I may look fragile, but ...!

Photo Credit: Donna Smutak ("my" Ohio Donna)

Sunshine What do you do when you have a canine phobia? You pet sit a dog for a couple of days, of course! Cynophobia is a real thing. Some dog owners may not be aware that there are people who are actually terrified of dogs. For me, it’s not really a dog phobia – it’s a dog owner phobia. For some reason, I don’t have a great deal of faith in dog owners to not let their dog trip me up, chase me, jump on me, or bite me. This could be because I established a response to dogs/owners when a dog was allowed to chase my brother and me down while we were on our bikes, ultimately biting my bro on the leg. I have identified a strong emotional and physical sensation when I see a dog, especially one that is unleashed. I’m working on it.

My friends here at GHT are so thoughtfully aware of my trepidation and have made every attempt to accommodate me. In this situation, though, why should the mountain move? Taking care of Sunshine, my new bff if you were wondering, has opened my heart just a little bit more to accepting dogs (and their owners) into my life with a more relaxed response. We shall see how I progress.

PS – in the picture above Sunshine had just licked my tongue – something I never thought I wouldn’t mind. I do love her!

Bugs and Dirt Enough said really. Living outdoors requires eating a fair amount of organic material and not worrying about it too much.

Spiders and mosquitos Yes, I did freak out the other night when I thought I saw an unearthly large spider by the campfire. (It was a toad.) Yes, I did squeak a bit and put my legs over the arm of the chair. But, at night when I head back to my campsite, I climb under a mammoth spider and her web (how beautifully she works each night to create a new trap), with only a little itchy discomfort reminding me of my fear. I am starting to understand that it is not so much the spider or the bear that frighten me, but more the unexpected startle of movement or sound erupting from the darkness.

And as for mosquitos, I have adopted the catch and release system for getting them out of my car. Each time I watch them zoom off out of my hand I feel a small swell of victory - and karmic relief.

Pride Ah, for me one of the toughest of obstacles to overcome by far. I do have pride in these small victories. But, in reality they are simple ways for me to coexist within the prospect of a more natural awareness. For pride, I am working on reflection. I so graciously thank you, dear reader, for indulging my reflections. Having readers at all is, quite frankly, a rather large victory for me.

I shall try not to boast about it...too much.

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